I have decided to set up this blog in the hope that it may provide those with similar problems with some solace that they are not alone. For you see, I have, what is known as 'Pseudodysphagia'. For those of you who are not familiar with what Pseudodysphagia is (and believe me, not many people are - I wasn't at all until I had the damn thing) it is the phobia (well fear) of swallowing and choking. Sounds pretty silly right? How can you have a fear of swallowing, it's natural, we do it all the time with our saliva. But that's what's so horrible about it.... the common occurrence of swallowing in which our body is adamant upon as it is a healthy and natural process – which means that those of us who have it cannot escape this fear and often-than-not feel trapped.
I suppose if you have a fear of clowns then you would logically avoid such things like circus' and carnivals. If you're claustrophobic and find yourself in a lift (or escalator if you are American) it must be a rather traumatic experience I have no doubt but at least there is some comfort in knowing that there will be an end to your suffering once the lift/escalator stops at the desired location. Don't get me wrong, I am not dismissing these phobia's as irrational or not serious, not at all and they must be real horrible to live with, no doubt about that. Many phobia's cause paranoia too and this is obviously very distressing because you really do feel trapped then. What I'm trying to say is that swallowing is something you cannot avoid and nor is eating unless you have a feeding tube (the knowledge that I may end up with one of these if I continue to not eat is the main factor that is encouraging me to get better; the idea of a tube down my oesophagus or poking into my abdomen absolutely terrifies me)!
When this disorder first started getting worse (I'd say about 3 weeks ago now) I lived in constant fear of swallowing. Every second of the day I dreaded that sensation of saliva going down my throat (sorry if this sounds a little too graphic) because I would feel a lump in my throat as if something had managed to get stuck there. When I swallowed I could not escape or suppress any illogical thinking, it all just exploded in my head, telling me that I was choking, going to die, giving me panic and anxiety attacks etc. and though it sounds all so melodramatic, it really was frightening. I would go to bed at night, hoping that sleep will bring me peace as it means I do not have to think about choking (instead I can have wonderful dreams and go to the darkest corners of my unconscious). And when I woke up in the morning, I'd think "Great, another day of panic attacks and feeling hungry." It was as simple as that to me, I no longer had any emotional attachment to the hours I was awake, and I saw them as an inconvenience to which I just had to 'get through' as quick and painlessly as possible.
However… it is not all doom and gloom. I am slowly getting better and can manage some solid foods which is a lovely change to the smoothies, yogurts and tomato soup I have become conditioned to over the past fort-night! I shall up-date this blog daily (sorry) and I shall also include a list of all the things I have eaten and drank with a scale of 1-10 on how confident I was eating it. For instance… Yogurts are usually a 10, they go down the throat easily enough but something like… lumpy milkshake may be a 6. I shall also include things like the constant dreams I have been having involving food, how my phobia started, the cognitive behavioural therapy I shall be recieving soon and just the general aspects of living with this eating disorder.
I hope it won’t be too depressing; I’m quite a positive person (believe it or not)! Stay tuned and don’t be afraid to comment!
Update:
What I have eaten and drank today and a scale of 1 - 10 of how confident I was eating it (1 being low in confidence and 10 being high):
- Natural Honey and Greek Yogurt: 9/10
- Glass of Water: 5/10 (I find it hard drinking water as it goes down my throat so quick, can be scary)
- Cup of Milky Tea: 7/10
- 1/8th of a Mini Pizza: 3/10 (Was pretty scary but I have to start somewhere, I scraped off all the stringy cheese and avoided the crust all together)
- Handful of Cheese Puffs: 1/10 (Had a rather big anxiety-attack after consuming these)
And that is all I can manage today, it's an improvement though and I'm just grateful that I managed to eat some solid food!
I suppose if you have a fear of clowns then you would logically avoid such things like circus' and carnivals. If you're claustrophobic and find yourself in a lift (or escalator if you are American) it must be a rather traumatic experience I have no doubt but at least there is some comfort in knowing that there will be an end to your suffering once the lift/escalator stops at the desired location. Don't get me wrong, I am not dismissing these phobia's as irrational or not serious, not at all and they must be real horrible to live with, no doubt about that. Many phobia's cause paranoia too and this is obviously very distressing because you really do feel trapped then. What I'm trying to say is that swallowing is something you cannot avoid and nor is eating unless you have a feeding tube (the knowledge that I may end up with one of these if I continue to not eat is the main factor that is encouraging me to get better; the idea of a tube down my oesophagus or poking into my abdomen absolutely terrifies me)!
When this disorder first started getting worse (I'd say about 3 weeks ago now) I lived in constant fear of swallowing. Every second of the day I dreaded that sensation of saliva going down my throat (sorry if this sounds a little too graphic) because I would feel a lump in my throat as if something had managed to get stuck there. When I swallowed I could not escape or suppress any illogical thinking, it all just exploded in my head, telling me that I was choking, going to die, giving me panic and anxiety attacks etc. and though it sounds all so melodramatic, it really was frightening. I would go to bed at night, hoping that sleep will bring me peace as it means I do not have to think about choking (instead I can have wonderful dreams and go to the darkest corners of my unconscious). And when I woke up in the morning, I'd think "Great, another day of panic attacks and feeling hungry." It was as simple as that to me, I no longer had any emotional attachment to the hours I was awake, and I saw them as an inconvenience to which I just had to 'get through' as quick and painlessly as possible.
However… it is not all doom and gloom. I am slowly getting better and can manage some solid foods which is a lovely change to the smoothies, yogurts and tomato soup I have become conditioned to over the past fort-night! I shall up-date this blog daily (sorry) and I shall also include a list of all the things I have eaten and drank with a scale of 1-10 on how confident I was eating it. For instance… Yogurts are usually a 10, they go down the throat easily enough but something like… lumpy milkshake may be a 6. I shall also include things like the constant dreams I have been having involving food, how my phobia started, the cognitive behavioural therapy I shall be recieving soon and just the general aspects of living with this eating disorder.
I hope it won’t be too depressing; I’m quite a positive person (believe it or not)! Stay tuned and don’t be afraid to comment!
 |
| The Horror! |
Update:
What I have eaten and drank today and a scale of 1 - 10 of how confident I was eating it (1 being low in confidence and 10 being high):
- Natural Honey and Greek Yogurt: 9/10
- Glass of Water: 5/10 (I find it hard drinking water as it goes down my throat so quick, can be scary)
- Cup of Milky Tea: 7/10
- 1/8th of a Mini Pizza: 3/10 (Was pretty scary but I have to start somewhere, I scraped off all the stringy cheese and avoided the crust all together)
- Handful of Cheese Puffs: 1/10 (Had a rather big anxiety-attack after consuming these)
And that is all I can manage today, it's an improvement though and I'm just grateful that I managed to eat some solid food!
No comments:
Post a Comment