Hello, I'm back again, still marching on through the battlefield, avoiding quick-advancing food and slowly entering no-man's land where I am back to just absorbing liquids. I say slowly because I did actually manage to eat about half a handful of crisps today... (I must have kept chewing till they really were a fine paste - sorry foor the graphic description again) but still, I ate something CRUNCHY, which is a great improvement to soup and yogurt I can assure you!
I've noticed that I'm developing a bit of a tan even though I haven't been outside for little more than an hour these past 2 weeks (due to panic attacks). I wonder if it's all that tomato soup I've been consuming copious amounts of! I think I'm on my 6th can this week with more in the cupboard to supply me 'til the end of the week. I don't think I'll ever be able to see a 'Heinz' label ever again once I've hit my 10th can!
I've come up with a rather good idea (well, I'm hoping 'good' will at least be of kin to this idea). I've always been a fan of cooking and baking (despite my obvious unatural ability to carry out even the most simple of kitchen tasks). I am ashamed to say that I took a 2 year GCSE catering course, the outcome of which has lead me to not even being able to cook out-of-the-jar curry sauce with chicken and rice. The shame, I know! Anyways... the task I have given myself is to get back into that kitchen and start a'cookin' some serious grub! Not necessarily to eat myself but just to familiarise myself again with being around food. Even if I'm not eating I still feel quite anxious when around food or watching food programmes so I tend to avoid both when possible. I shall start off small, maybe cooking some pancakes or something and help-out with the dinner tomorrow but each day I'll try and push myself that little step further and actually try the food I'm cooking! Though, given my skills (or lack-of) I don't think I'd want to eat any of the food that I've cooked!
In terms of panic attacks, I've only had 1 major one today and a small one, which was over in just a few minutes as opposed to the 6 - 7 major ones I'd get each day, I can definitely say that things are getting better! I have also found myself praying. To whom..? I have no idea, maybe God, maybe just anyone but for someone who is not religious, I find it rather interesting that these desperate times have lead me to turn to this religious practise. Am I turning religious? I doubt this, but.. you never know, I cannot say anything for myself in these early days. I've always hoped that I would find faith somewhere in my life, I've looked for it in people and that's never a good idea as we're all too relative; we never stay in the same place, never think the same things which can mean disappointment through no fault of anyone's but the nature of the human race. So, it seems like religion might feature a little bit in this blog too!
On that little spiritual note, I shall proceed onto what I have consumed today with the usualy scale of 1 - 10 (1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest) of how confident I was when eating/drinking:
- Sensations Crisps (about half a handful): 6/10 though this turned into a 2/10 when I thought a little bit of crisp had got caught in my thought. It didn't of course, but that's just part of the disorder.
- 2x Actimel Drinking Yogurt: 9/10
- Pizza (few bites): 5/10 It was cold and so the cheese wasn't stringy, the bread was still a task though.
- Cup of Tomato Soup: I do not know yet as I'm just about to make it so shall update after. I doubt there will be anyone reading this with great anticipation for the update, infact I doubt if anyone will be reading this full stop! If there is though.. and you are reading this RIGHT now then I thank you for taking the time and the patience for reading this and I hope I have brought some interest into your dull day (which, lets face it, it must be pretty dull if you find yourself reading this awfully-written blog)!
Oh and feel free to comment if you want (no hint there at all...)!
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