Food For Thought - Day #6

I'm sorry but this isn't going to be a proper post. Had an urgeant doctor's appointment today and still nothing much is being done. They even thought about prescribing me with... prozac... what a joke! I'm not eating or feeling very well today so I don't have much energy to write this post, I'm just glad that there's no-one out there who really reads this blog so at least I'm not disappointing anyone!

Hopefully I'll be better tomorrow... see you then.

Food For Thought - Day #5

It's all getting a bit too much today. I still think I'm getting better, just going through a little bit of a.. lapse. My family were eating spaghetti bolognaise for lunch and pasta is too hard for me to eat so I toasted some bread, put some tomato paste on it and a little of the bolognaise sauce accompanied by a little bit of grated cheese. Man did it smell good! My taste buds were tingling with exitement as this would be the first proper meaty savory thing I've eaten in ages! But alas, it was not to be. I took one teeny-weeny bite and as soon as I started chewing I began to panic. Feeling it go down my throat was the worst, I really did think it had somehow got stuck on the way down. And now I'm back on non-solid things so I've tried to fill the emptiness of my stomach with yoghurt and soup again today. Right so, in the last post I promised you stories of how I almost set the kitchen on fire. I am not one to brake such promises so here is the story of how a clumsy girl like myself should never be trusted in a kitchen on her own with matches and an empty kettle...

The first time I almost burnt down the family kitchen was a couple of years back, I put an empty kettle on the stove and turned on the gas (I didn't realise the kettle was empty). I went into the living room to watch a bit of TV while the kettle boiled not-so-happily away. I could smell burning all of a sudden and sure enough, when I ran back into the kitchen... the kettle was starting to catch fire! The sides were all burnt black, they looked like they'd crumble if you touched them. Blue flames licked their way up the sides, almost reaching the lid and handle... I quickly turned the gas off and the fire went out almost as quickly as it had started, thank God! I usually leave a tea towel by the side of the kettle, on the other hob but for some reason this time i didn't. If I had've done... it would surely have caught fire, paving the way for a whole, full-blown kitchen fire!

The second time was about a year ago and we'd just bought a nice new electric kettle. All Black and shiny, ready to fullfil our hot-drink needs (which is quite demanding in a house full of 6 people). Then one night, not so long after it had only just made it's first cup of tea... disaster struck! I came home drunk in the early hours of a summer morn... My throat was dry and I was freezing so a cup of tea seemed to be the logical remedy! I think the combination of being drunk, tired and cold made me completely forget that it was an electric kettle and not a gas kettle because.. well I put the kettle on the hob (wires trailing all over the worktops) and turned the hob on.... fire started to make its way over wires, the hobs, the oven door, heading for the tea towels and even more wires and kitchen-appliances... luckily my house used to be a b&b so we were already equiped with a kind of fire-kit thing on the wall. By this time my ma had ran down the stairs and pulled the fire-blanket from the kit, chucking it over the flames. It was immediately effective... again.. thank God! I was pretty shaken up after though! Maybe this is why I have such a fear of food.. I don't get along with the kitchen and some sort of domestic-karma is punishing me!

I suppose the irony is that I do actually make pretty amazing cup'o teas! (If I do say so myself)! Right, I shall just finish off with the usual scale (A scale from 1-10 on how confident I was eating/drinking today. 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest).and then I think I'm gonna call it a night. Hope you were all entertained by my kitchen confessions! Have you guys got any similar stories? If so, I'd love to read them!

- Actimel Drinking Yogurt: 9/10

- 1 Small Bite of Toast With Bolognaise Sauce on: 0/10

- 1 Bowl of Tomato Soup: 8/10

- 1 Petit Filous Yoghut: 8/10

- 2x Cups of Mily Tea: 9/10

- 1 Glass of Water: 8/10

Food For Thought - Day #4

Oh and.. just a quick apolagy for the awful spelling again!

Wow, day 4 already... I have to say that I'm very pleased at how many people have viewd this blog so far. I really do hope it does some good for others, otherwise it's just me moaning on about life and eating and that's rather a bit pointless don't you agree? So on with the show... (well blog)...

I shall start off writing about what I really should have started this blog with... a history of how this eating disorder came about. I've always had a thing about choking, for as long as I can remember. It never affected me much, I was just more 'aware' of it. I can remember that whenever I watched anything on TV to do with choking, it would make me feel really uncomfortable and I'd feel a lump in my throat as if I too were chokng! I hated the scene in Mrs. Doubtfire when Pierce Brosnan chokes at the dinner table, or the scene in Matilda when Matilda's brother chokes on a carrot. If I was watching these films on TV, I'd just turn over to another channel until that particular scene was over.

It must have been about 2 years ago when I first choked. It was on a salad sandwich and a piece of cucumber had gotten stuck in my throat (starting to feel uncomfortable just writing this). Luckily it went down with some water, my mum was on the verge of doing the Heinlick manouvre! The second time was about a year ago, it was on a chip. It just kinda sat there in my throat, blocking my airway. It eventually went down (again with some water) but an ambulance was called out (there were some police near by when it happened so they called an ambulance). Typically, I was all fine when the Ambulance came... all in a very quick and nifty 20/30 minutes... so just as well I was fine! The paramedic had to fill in a medical form and the cause of the ambulance having to come out was written down as 'trauma by chip'!

After that I became very cautious around food, I avoided easy-to-choke-on foods like peanuts and raw carrots. Then I started getting better and was eating back to normal and thehehehennnn... I went to London a few weeks back. I don't know what brought it on but I started getting these huge panic attacks which lasted until we got home, several hours later. After that my eating got worse and I just stopped all together for a couple of days, barely even consuming liquids. It's okay now though, I'm eating and drinking enough to sustain my health and keep me alive. I'm still getting better every day! Well, I hope you enjoyed reading all this depressing..ness, I really am sorry for the such a morbid post! I shall try n' make tomorrow's a bit more light-hearted with promises of more tales about me failing rather epically in the kitchen. Like when I nearly burnt the house down... twice!

And I shall end on the.. yep, you guess it... the eating/drinking scale thingymabob! (A scale from 1-10 on how confident I was eating/drinking. 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest). And this is what I have eaten/drank this fine day:

- 1 Small Bite of A Cheeseburger (I had a really craving for it and the fam was having a BBQ: 3/10

- Actimel Drinking Yoghurt x2: 9/10

- Greek honey yoghurt: 7/10

- 2X Cup of Mily Tea: 8/10

- 1 Bite of Marmite On Toast: 2/10 (ended up in a minor panic attack)

　

Food For Thought - Day #3

First of all, I apolagise for my crap spelling, spell-check does not exist on this little netbook of mine! If anyone knows any good online spell-check websites, please.. let me know! Thanks!

Well, the day started out promising. I woke up a bright and happy chappy ready to brace whatever's to come during my day of doing nothing. I had just recieved a phone call from one of my boss' (I have 2 places of work) asking me how I was. There was no inquiry on whether I need to come in to work or not, it was more like.. just seeing if I was doing alright, she even gave me some really nice advice. I have to say, having this disorder and being as difficult as I am because of it, has somehow, wonderfully and miraculously brought out the best in people! And I do not take this for granted one little bit. Everyone has been so good and understanding, it's as if they understand what I have more than I do (which, admittedly... isn't that difficult)! My friends, family and employers are all wonderful people and I'm definitley glad that I have them in my life!

Okay, so all that aside... I have been eating a little bit more which is great! I do feel a bit breathless and panicky after but that soon subsides. I even had a couple of mouthfulls of my sister's cheese omlette with beans. Was amazing to taste something so nice and savory! Food has become a constant in my line of thinking. Literally... it is all I think and dream about. Here is a little drawing I did on paint during my hours of boredom.. it is of all the lovely, unhealthy food I can't wait to eat when I get better! I don't think you'll find a single tin of tomato soup or yogurt on it!

I should have been an artist! ;)

The cooking task I set myself in the previous post hasn't yet, well.. I haven't started. My family bought a kebab instead of cooking dinner (which I was hoping to help out with). It was nice to be around the smell of such lovely, greasy food! Cheese burger, fried chicken, chips with salt n' vinegar... lush! This is only a short little post as I'm pretty tired today, was hoping to cover quite a lot but I think I'll have to leave that for tomorrow's post. On that note I think I better proceed onto the 'eating/drinking scale' (a scale from 1-10 on how confident I was eating/drinking. 1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest).

- 2x Actimel Yogurts: 9/10

- 2 small bites of cheese omlette accompanied by a couple of baked beans: 4/10

- Small handful of sensations crisps: 5/10

- 2x cups of Milky Tea: 7/10

- 1x Cup of coffee: 7/10

What a feast ay! I have noticed that I've been losing weight and I need to get round to buying some scales to confirm this. I hope it's just my imagination. My mum and boyfriend did both point-out that my legs have gotten thinner and the other day I was appalled at my hips which I could see sticking out very clearly. Never mind though, I'll be healthy in no time! Once I recieve this cognitive behavioural therapy I can hopefully start getting my confidence with food back up again! :)

　

Food For Thought - Day #2

Hello, I'm back again, still marching on through the battlefield, avoiding quick-advancing food and slowly entering no-man's land where I am back to just absorbing liquids. I say slowly because I did actually manage to eat about half a handful of crisps today... (I must have kept chewing till they really were a fine paste - sorry foor the graphic description again) but still, I ate something CRUNCHY, which is a great improvement to soup and yogurt I can assure you!
     I've noticed that I'm developing a bit of a tan even though I haven't been outside for little more than an hour these past 2 weeks (due to panic attacks). I wonder if it's all that tomato soup I've been consuming copious amounts of! I think I'm on my 6th can this week with more in the cupboard to supply me 'til the end of the week. I don't think I'll ever be able to see a 'Heinz' label ever again once I've hit my 10th can!
     I've come up with a rather good idea (well, I'm hoping 'good' will at least be of kin to this idea). I've always been a fan of cooking and baking (despite my obvious unatural ability to carry out even the most simple of kitchen tasks). I am ashamed to say that I took a 2 year GCSE catering course, the outcome of which has lead me to not even being able to cook out-of-the-jar curry sauce with chicken and rice. The shame, I know! Anyways... the task I have given myself is to get back into that kitchen and start a'cookin' some serious grub! Not necessarily to eat myself but just to familiarise myself again with being around food. Even if I'm not eating I still feel quite anxious when around food or watching food programmes so I tend to avoid both when possible. I shall start off small, maybe cooking some pancakes or something and help-out with the dinner tomorrow but each day I'll try and push myself that little step further and actually try the food I'm cooking! Though, given my skills (or lack-of) I don't think I'd want to eat any of the food that I've cooked!
     In terms of panic attacks, I've only had 1 major one today and a small one, which was over in just a few minutes as opposed to the 6 - 7 major ones I'd get each day, I can definitely say that things are getting better! I have also found myself praying. To whom..? I have no idea, maybe God, maybe just anyone but for someone who is not religious, I find it rather interesting that these desperate times have lead me to turn to this religious practise. Am I turning religious? I doubt this, but.. you never know, I cannot say anything for myself in these early days. I've always hoped that I would find faith somewhere in my life, I've looked for it in people and that's never a good idea as we're all too relative; we never stay in the same place, never think the same things which can mean disappointment through no fault of anyone's but the nature of the human race. So, it seems like religion might feature a little bit in this blog too!

On that little spiritual note, I shall proceed onto what I have consumed today with the usualy scale of 1 - 10 (1 being the lowest and 10 being the highest) of how confident I was when eating/drinking:

- Sensations Crisps (about half a handful): 6/10 though this turned into a 2/10 when I thought a little bit of crisp had got caught in my thought. It didn't of course, but that's just part of the disorder.

- 2x Actimel Drinking Yogurt: 9/10

- Pizza (few bites): 5/10 It was cold and so the cheese wasn't stringy, the bread was still a task though.

- Cup of Tomato Soup: I do not know yet as I'm just about to make it so shall update after. I doubt there will be anyone reading this with great anticipation for the update, infact I doubt if anyone will be reading this full stop! If there is though.. and you are reading this RIGHT now then I thank you for taking the time and the patience for reading this and I hope I have brought some interest into your dull day (which, lets face it, it must be pretty dull if you find yourself reading this awfully-written blog)!

Oh and feel free to comment if you want (no hint there at all...)!

Food For Thought - Day #1

I have decided to set up this blog in the hope that it may provide those with similar problems with some solace that they are not alone. For you see, I have, what is known as 'Pseudodysphagia'. For those of you who are not familiar with what Pseudodysphagia is (and believe me, not many people are - I wasn't at all until I had the damn thing) it is the phobia (well fear) of swallowing and choking. Sounds pretty silly right? How can you have a fear of swallowing, it's natural, we do it all the time with our saliva. But that's what's so horrible about it.... the common occurrence of swallowing in which our body is adamant upon as it is a healthy and natural process – which means that those of us who have it cannot escape this fear and often-than-not feel trapped.
     I suppose if you have a fear of clowns then you would logically avoid such things like circus' and carnivals. If you're claustrophobic and find yourself in a lift (or escalator if you are American) it must be a rather traumatic experience I have no doubt but at least there is some comfort in knowing that there will be an end to your suffering once the lift/escalator stops at the desired location. Don't get me wrong, I am not dismissing these phobia's as irrational or not serious, not at all and they must be real horrible to live with, no doubt about that. Many phobia's cause paranoia too and this is obviously very distressing because you really do feel trapped then. What I'm trying to say is that swallowing is something you cannot avoid and nor is eating unless you have a feeding tube (the knowledge that I may end up with one of these if I continue to not eat is the main factor that is encouraging me to get  better; the idea of a tube down my oesophagus or poking into my abdomen absolutely terrifies me)!
     When this disorder first started getting worse (I'd say about 3 weeks ago now) I lived in constant fear of swallowing. Every second of the day I dreaded that sensation of saliva going down my throat (sorry if this sounds a little too graphic) because I would feel a lump in my throat as if something had managed to get stuck there. When I swallowed I could not escape or suppress any illogical thinking, it all just exploded in my head, telling me that I was choking, going to die, giving me panic and anxiety attacks etc. and though it sounds all so melodramatic, it really was frightening. I would go to bed at night, hoping that sleep will bring me peace as it means I do not have to think about choking (instead I can have wonderful dreams and go to the darkest corners of my unconscious). And when I woke up in the morning, I'd think "Great, another day of panic attacks and feeling hungry." It was as simple as that to me, I no longer had any emotional attachment to the hours I was awake, and I saw them as an inconvenience to which I just had to 'get through' as quick and painlessly as possible.
    However… it is not all doom and gloom. I am slowly getting better and can manage some solid foods which is a lovely change to the smoothies, yogurts and tomato soup I have become conditioned to over the past fort-night! I shall up-date this blog daily (sorry) and I shall also include a list of all the things I have eaten and drank with a scale of 1-10 on how confident I was eating it. For instance… Yogurts are usually a 10, they go down the throat easily enough but something like… lumpy milkshake may be a 6. I shall also include things like the constant dreams I have been having involving food, how my phobia started, the cognitive behavioural therapy I shall be recieving soon and just the general aspects of living with this eating disorder.

I hope it won’t be too depressing; I’m quite a positive person (believe it or not)! Stay tuned and don’t be afraid to comment!


The Horror!

Update:

What I have eaten and drank today and a scale of 1 - 10 of how confident I was eating it (1 being low in confidence and 10 being high):

- Natural Honey and Greek Yogurt: 9/10
- Glass of Water: 5/10 (I find it hard drinking water as it goes down my throat so quick, can be scary)
- Cup of  Milky Tea: 7/10
- 1/8th of a Mini Pizza: 3/10 (Was pretty scary but I have to start somewhere, I scraped off all the stringy cheese and avoided the crust all together)
- Handful of Cheese Puffs: 1/10 (Had a rather big anxiety-attack after consuming these)

And that is all I can manage today, it's an improvement though and I'm just grateful that I managed to eat some solid food!